Big Damn Heroes and Shiny Bad Guys
by BlackHairdye.SilverFindings
Summary: shorts involving SPAM, something wicked, fried tomatoes, purple people eaters, deseaced parrots, sporks, and Simon Tam. Rated T for now...
1. Several Species of Small Furry Animals

AN: So this is written from the Insane Table from joss100 chanellnge promt tables. its Firefly based with a little hinted crossovers in almost every chapter, you get extra points if you notice them and comment. you'll get SUPER EXTRA points if you review.

most of em are pretty short and i'm too gorram lazy to open Google translate to translat stuff into Chinesse, so theres none 'o that in here. yet.

as for pairings, they shall be stated in the chapters, but the one character they ALL HAVE IN COMMON in Simon Tam so, know that. Goodnight, and Goodluck.

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><p>Big Damn Heroes and Shiny Bad Guys<p>

**he·ro (noun)** [héerō] _(he·roes) _1. someone who commits an act of remarkable bravery. 2. someone who gets other people killed.

**Chapter 1: **

**Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving With a Pict**

Simon/Jayne (ish).

We Tigers/Animal Collective

Never, NEVER again. Never again would Simon go ground side with Jayne on a planet who's national plant was a purple mushroom. Nor would Simon get drunk, get into a game of truth or dare, pick dare, and eat said mushrooms just to prove to Jayne that he was manly…. or something… no Simon would never eat those funny purple mushrooms again because at the moment he was witnessing something that could either be real, a hallucination, or just a very, very strange dream.

He was mostly naked with strange blue designs painted on his skin. In the light from the fire, the cave look incredibly large with mysterious corners and sharp craggily walls that Simon really, really didn't want to run into. Now, Simon is a very smart man so naturally he _should_ know that it was impossible that there were Picts, a late Iron-Age tribal members from Earth That Was, dancing with him while several species of small furry animals banged drums and wailed into pipes to create hauntingly melodically music that Simon could feel in his very soul. Like blood, like muscles, like sinew. And even if it was impossible, it was incredible fun watching the fire jump with the steps of the Picts, with he rise and fall of the animal's voices. So fun that after awhile Simon even joined in, jumping with them, following their lead in an exotic river dance that involved lots of jumps and twists and eventually Simon lost his boxer briefs but he didn't care and then he was dancing with one of the boys, a shorter one with a large beaklike nose and bright eyes and a tiny frame. Simon was fairly sure they kissed. Just he was also fairly sure that there were rabbits singing.

::

Mal stood in front of the cave entrance surveying the problem before him. He had an inebriated-by-laughter mercenary at his elbow, a shocked first mate at his other, and a naked, painted on, drooling, fast asleep doctor in the arms of another equally naked, painted on, drooling, sleeping man at his feet.

"Well." He muttered hands on his hips "this is…unexpected."

"He ate them damn mushrooms." Jayne wheezed his face twisted up in laughter "I just…." And his sentence was lost into a laughing fit.

"Right well." Mal decided squaring his shoulders "Get 'im back on the boat and don't tell Kaylee. Jayne."

"Why I gotta do it?"

"You ate the mushrooms too." Zoe told him with a smirk and a wink.


	2. Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop

Chapter 2. Have fun.

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><p>Big Damn Heroes and Shiny Bad Guys<p>

**he·ro (noun)** [héerō] _(he·roes) _1. someone who commits an act of remarkable bravery. 2. someone who gets other people killed.

**Chapter 2: Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop Cafe**

Simon/Kaylee

9th and Hennepin/Tom Waits

Kaylee promised they were good. Pleaded and begged and swore up and down and promised fried tomatoes were so good you'd shit yourself with delight. Not that Simon would ever shit himself, she amended, but then went on to beg him to try them. And then, she pulled out the puppy eyes.

"Fiiine." Simon sighed smiling at her sudden smile. "When we get to Planxty I will go to Whislestop Café and eat you gorram fried tomatoes okay?"

Kaylee smiled brightly taking Simon's hand "I love it when you curse." Her kiss tasted like grease and dirt.

::

Whistlestop Café and Dinner was one of the those places Simon's parents would have seen, made a face at, and forbade him or River for entering on the fear they might get tetanus. He would have happily obliged and River would have pouted about it and wanted to go inside. Much as they were doing now. Simon's face held a surprise and fear that his parents would have been proud off while River was bouncing on the balls of her feet and smiling.

"Uh… Kaylee," Simon murmered as she pulled him into the Dinner who's sign had gone out and now just read DI….E.. "I don't know how clean this place…" but she wasn't listening, she was pulling him into a seat while River inspected the wall of photos. Simon looked uncertainly at her and bit his lip starting to say something about her and that wall and paper cuts.

"Hush Simon!" Kaylee exclaimed taking one hand in her's and putting a finger to his lips. "She'll be just fine. Don't you worry bout no nothin'."

Simon smiled lightly as a short man with tattoos and too much energy came to take their order. "Ah, Little Kaylee, the usual I 'sepct?" Kaylee nodded and in a short amount of time an order of greasy fried tomatoes was steaming in-between Simon and probably certain death.

"Go a head, take a bite." Kaylee urged her smile never leaving her face as Simon took a tiny bite, chewed, swallowed and smiled finally.

"Wow. These are amazing." He agreed taking another bite. "this. This is why I love you,"

"I make you eat fried things on dusty planets?"

"exactly."


	3. SPAM

Big Damn Heroes and Shiny Bad Guys

**he·ro (noun)** [héerō] _(he·roes) _1. someone who commits an act of remarkable bravery. 2. someone who gets other people killed.

**Chapter 3: ****SPAM**

Simon/Wash in the way that their friends

Knights Of The Round Table/The Song That Goes Like This (Reprise)/Monty Python's Spamalot

"Spam." Simon read looking from the small golden can to Wash who nodded happily. "Potted meat?"

"Yup." Wash said "Bacon flavor."

"That… discussing." Simon made a face as Wash opened the can and popped the potted meat square into a pan.

"Mmmm." He hummed in anticipation.

"I'm going to go vomit."

"More for me."


End file.
